The Army

The Army

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Single Parenting Shifts: Homeschooling & Public School

     In the midst of everything else that went on at the beginning of our "new life" we had to put a lot of consideration into what school would look like for our family.
     For seven years we had been homeschoolers. We started when my oldest, Leah, was finished with 4th grade at public school. Leah was gifted, and well above many in her class. We had argued for her to skip a grade from first to second, but was turned down. Her fourth grade teacher agreed with us that it would be in her best interest, but then we were left with the dilemma of moving her from fourth to sixth, which meant middle school in our district. Leah was definitely ready intellectually, but we decided that due to maturity (and safety) to look at other options. Our home school was created.
     Our oldest son, Jon, was born the same year, followed two years later by Trinity, and two years later by Jonah. My "little ones", although they aren't so little anymore, were completely oblivious to public school.
    We lived the home school life...natural waking times, co-ops, volunteer work, play dates with other families, 4-H, music lessons, home school gym, Boy Scouts, American Heritage Girls. We visited family when we wanted, we read at the park and yes, we had the infamous "field trip to the grocery store". The kids and I managed to learn, have fun, and have a great bond. It was messy, crazy, busy, social, always backed up on work, spontaneous, loving, frustrating and I wouldn't trade one second for anything...good or bad.


It was us. It was our life. 
Leah's last family field trip, Salt Festival
 Big Bone State Park Oct. 2011

I think that is the hardest part for those outside of home schooling looking in to see. It's not just how you do school. It's not public school at home. Yes, I know there are options to do public school at home, but often the parents who choose to home school are looking for an alternative way to school their kids in a way that is structured to their values, their children's learning style and/or ability or for a variety of other, often deeply personal reasons. Sometimes those reasons change as we go through the experience of homeschooling, but there is something that settles at the core of the family.

 It was tied to everything in everyday.  It was our life.

     So what happens to that life when there is a huge shift in another part of the core? Well, it's as simple as homeschooling continues or the kids enter public school. And that's where the simplicity ends. Actually, I think Simple took a running leap off a tall cliff into a deep, dark ravine, but I'm sure you know what I mean. First, the decision to home school in the first place is rarely a "simple" choice, although it is a choice that is increasingly on the rise in the U.S. There are outside of school factors that are considered such as: 
                Income of parents, will one stay home with the kids, or both work part-time? 
                Type of curriculum to be used, cost, time, outside review, testing. 
                Extra-curricular activities (why anyone thinks home schoolers are unsocialized is       beyond me, please don't hate) and so much more. 

And it is no different for the single parent.

There are many decisions to make, but it is doable. I've done it. Many people helped me pull it off, but Leah graduated from our home school. We completed a very difficult 2010-2011 school year and a slightly smoother 2011-12 school year. For us this decision had many factors. Primarily, Leah was a sophomore the year everything changed for us. I looked into enrolling her in public school for junior year. It was not feasible. She had more than enough credits to graduate, in accredited classes, but they weren't anything that resembled our school system. Leah would have been a round peg in a square hole. It was best for her to finish high school as we started. She interned at our church and doubled up on English to complete her requirements in one last year. 
    And then there were the "little ones". Jonah had begun preschool in January 2011 when I started to work full-time. He went to school with Ms. Ann on site where I cleaned. The other two went with their Ms. Ann, another homeschooling mom who worked with my kids as a reading tutor and took them along with her daughter to their co-op. We did additional work once we all got home.
Even though this looked very different from the outside it had a measure of familiarity to us that I may not be able to express clearly, it was still us, still our life with a twist. 
Leah was old enough to understand the changes and the reasons behind them. The little ones were not. They were 3, 5, and 7 at the time. I had to consider all they had been through. 

¨People use the word "stress" to describe a wide variety of situations - from your cell phone ringing while you're talking on another phone - to the feelings associated with intense work overload, or the death of a loved-one.
But perhaps the most useful and widely accepted definition of stress (mainly attributed to Richard S. Lazarus) is this: Stress is a condition or feeling experienced when a person perceives that "demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize." In less formal terms, we feel stressed when we feel that "things are out of control"."  The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale            
I'll mention a few other issues without detail: My parents lived with us, my mother suffered 11 strokes in 12 months. My husband was arrested 12/29/10. My mom's biggest stroke was 5/17/11, she passed away 12/30/11. I started working full time. We lost our home, resulting in a move. My father moved in with his brother so he was no longer in the same home. Relationships with my in-laws were unusual at best, strained on good days.  So if I was looking back to evaluate my health and the health of my children at the time it would look something like this chart. Notice that school options are selected. 


440! Here's what that means: 
     I love psychology, but I didn't need a scale or empirical research to tell me what I felt was best for me or the kids. Something had to give, or in our case, remain constant. 


We had to have a sense of control over the one thing in our lives that could still be controlled.  

     Upon Leah's graduation, one and half years had passed, my mom had passed. We were starting to get an idea of what this new life was going to look like. I finally felt like I was standing and not just crawling from day to day. I felt capable of making decision for more than a week out. One thing that had become clear is that my income needed to be at a level to support this new family and my current line of work wasn't for the long-term. I decided to return to school. Which led me to options for the kids. I knew that attending school full time, work full time & home schooling was not something I wanted to tackle and have everything suffer. 
     So we talked, I tested the waters and then enrolled the little ones in the elementary school as a Kindergartner, a second grader and a fourth grader. 
And this was us. This is our life.

     This was the first morning of the first day. They had no clue what was really coming! There's been happiness, success, set-backs (literally, Trinnie tested 2 weeks later and was transitioned to first grade), fear of the unknown, tears at night, begging to home school again, sleep overs with new friends, field trips- with and without mom, class pictures, amazing, amazing teachers & staff.
      There has been tons of paperwork, doctor appointments, book orders, lunch money, school dues, picture money, penny wars, field trip fees, homework, reading and just SO much to get used to! The bus comes at 8am!!! Every. Day. (If you are or have been a home schooler reading that, enough said!) 
     But they are thriving. I sincerely believe it's because it was in it's own time, not forced, not rushed, not just because I became a single parent.

 It is because we did what was right for us.


So for those of you who may run across this who know someone in a single parent/homeschooling situation, please take to heart that they are doing the best they know how, for them, their kids and everything they are dealing with, some of which may not be clearly apparent from the outside.
This was just my timeline, my outcome, which hinged on: 1. My daughter graduating, 2. Me returning to college.
 I realize this single parent/homeschooling combination isn't the largest segment of the single parenting OR homeschooling communities, but it isn't as uncommon as you may think. 

For those of you who read this and happen to be in this difficult conjunction of seemingly contrasting lives, have hope. It can be done, and if it's what is best for your kids I'm sure you will find a way to do it. 



Stress checklist available at http://www.mindtools.com/ 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Do's & Don'ts For Interacting with Single Parents



In the three years that I've been wandering this scary single mom track, I have been incredibly fortunate and challenged in so many ways. I've had my eyes opened to an entirely different way of life, even though I was a single mom the first four years of my oldest daughter's life. These past three years have definitely been unique with ups and downs.
I spent 15 years dating and married and a lot changed in that time period, such as divorce rates and single parent household statistics. In my experience, I've seen that most people have a stereotypical view of the single parent. This view may not specifically apply to those single parents they actually know. Thanks to the social media infiltration of our lives, these negative views are tossed out there as casually as someone would change their shirt. I'd like to share some thoughts in a Do's & Don'ts format of interacting with single parents, though more so from a momma's perspective. I have not experienced all of the Don'ts personally, but I have seen the hurt inflicted on those in my motley network of single friends. Likewise I have not experienced all the Do's either, but one of my favorite sayings is, "See a need, fill a need." (quote from the animated movie "Robots." I'm sure many parents will recognize.) I will start with the Don'ts so we can end on a positive note.

DON'TS
1. Please don't ask if all the children have the same "baby daddy" or "baby momma." Do we all know what that means? I'm asking you not to assume that the single parent with two or more kids has been sleeping around from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Single parents are in that situation for a variety of reasons and even if the case involves different biological parents, it should not factor in receiving help in any way. We already feel the loss of the other parent(s) and the effect that has on our children without this rude question.

2. Please don't assume the reason my child doesn't have______________ is because the money was spent on drug of choice __________________. Single parents often have to make hard decisions of where their often limited income is spent and if their child has to go without, believe me it is probably already weighing on that single parent without the added suspicion of drug or alcohol abuse. The media has played a huge role in this stereotype by flashing stories of parents fighting a losing battle of addiction while neglecting their children. We see horror stories that go viral on the social media, but it's not the face of the majority of single parents.

3. Please don't assume we are "working" the system. This goes hand- in-hand with suspected substance abuse and multiple children in order to reap the benefits of the Welfare system. We hear stories of fraud and deception by parents (and non-parents) manipulating resources that are meant to be a "hand up, not a hand out." This is one that I've felt particularly hurt and put on the defensive by in my single parent journey. The following pictures help to explain:


And my favorite:  

Taken from http://www.whitehouse.gov/2012-taxreceipt that breaks down where the tax dollars of a typical married couple with 2 kids paying taxes on $80k a year goes to. (You can enter your tax info or income to get your breakdown)
Job and Family Security (Overall) 17.26% $771.35 
Unemployment insurance 0.99% $44.24
Food and nutrition assistance 3.89% $173.84
Housing assistance 1.74% $77.76
Earned income, Making Work Pay, and child tax credits 2.81% $125.58
Supplemental Security Income 1.74% $77.76
Federal military and civilian employee retirement and disability 4.45% $198.87
Child care, foster care, and adoption support 0.57% $25.47
Temporary Assistance for Needy Families 0.61% $27.26

The largest demographic of who benefits from the program are children and others who are not expected to work, such as the elderly and disabled. As the first picture shows, it is shameful to admit needing that help to feed our families. Most single parents wouldn't use the program, unless it was absolutely needed to free up money they earn (working!) to pay for other necessities, such as utility bills. TANF (commonly called "Welfare") takes less than $30 from the typical taxpayer, less than the cost of that family to go out to dinner and the SNAP program falls in under $200. Yet, the receivers of this assistance are targeted with a prejudice that is overwhelming in regards to the actual facts. I've been brought low by inconsiderate generalized comments online, as well as the case workers who have made me feel like a criminal trying to steal from them. To be fair, not all single parents are on assistance.

4. Please Don't judge the single parent on the actions and behavior of his or her child. Single parents are already more than aware of how our children behave and many times feel self-conscious as it is. Many things feed into a child's behavior. I will say upfront that many parents agree consistency is the key for discipline, and I'll apologize if I speak out of line here, but consistency is a very hard for a single parent to accomplish. If the child spends time split between two homes, that child is typically exposed to two sets of rules, consequences, and parental buttons to push. If the child is with one parent 24/7, then that parent is facing exhaustion, no breaks and an infinite number of times that require direction or correction. Consistency can be a death march. In either situation, single parents lack serious quality time with our children and sometimes that results in guilt- purchases, free passes "this once", or just not knowing how to handle a situation on our own. Not asking anyone to overlook something that is inappropriate, or would cause harm, but hold the judgement because parenting is a tough job even when you have a partner. This isn't even touching on the complex combinations of a child's development and personality.

5. Don't offer advice along the lines of "If I were in your place I'd ________________________" "You should really __________". or "Why can't you_______________" (my personal favorite "Why can't you….come workout at the 5am class, get that done before you start your day?!" Um, because I can't leave my kids in bed while my non-existent partner sleeps in the other room. Yes, this person was aware of details of my situation. THE hardest thing I have found about being on my own (even if there's a dating partner or best friend) is the fact that NO ONE walks this same walk, fully invested day- in-and-day-out in my little crazy family.

Which leads directly to the first "DO"S…...

DO'S
1. Do be honest if you want to help. Ask if they would like suggestions or if they just need someone to listen to them. Sometimes we do need advice from those not in the trench with us, but from a clearer perspective the outside provides, just temper that advice with kindness.

2. Do remember the single parent's birthday, special days, and holidays like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, or Father's Day. If you are close enough to the family then offer to take the kids out. Even if it's just to the dollar store to purchase a surprise for their parent, or maybe making a special craft. It is so magical for a child to pull off a surprise! And that is very hard to do when the child's only source of income & travel is the parent they want to surprise.

3. Do offer practical help. Oh, this can cover so, so much! Think outside the box, if you have a talent or business that is a common service such as auto repair (minor like oil changes, etc.), sewing, yard work, financial planning, photography, carpentry, plumbing, or electrical. Ask the single parent if there is a way for you to help. If you can be brave, step up and offer child care. We just lived through the worst winter that most can remember, my kids had 13 full snow days not counting 1 or 2 hour delays. I finally worked something out with a mom friend after the first 3-4 panic filled days of trying to find someone. But a rare evening out or a special time with only one of my children? Those are almost completely unheard of for a single parent. As a mom that works about 20 hrs a week cleaning houses, 16 hrs in school, 10-15 hrs with a small business...not counting homework x 4, some of the greatest gifts I have received (especially Finals Week) has been in the form of BBQ, pizza & casseroles. Pass the dish and share the love!!

4. Do think of single parents you know before throwing something away or donating it to large, unappreciative donation center. Especially if it's resulting from a "luxury" purchase. For example, your husband had to have that new grill, but the old one works perfectly fine. You updated the throw pillows, bedding, or curtains, but they are still in good shape. Even if they are older, "vintage" is trendy! I haven't met a single parent yet that will turn down new or gently used clothing. My personal favorite (and yes, this happened to me!) “You need to update appliances in order to sell your house.

5. Do share good deals you find. Maybe you are a coupon saver and you get a few freebies like toothpaste, shampoo, body wash, and deodorant. Make a little basket and surprise them. For something extra special, pick up an extra soap or lotion at the good Bath & Body sales. Around Christmas, if you purchase gift cards many places will throw in bonus cards, nothing out of pocket for you and certain to be appreciated by that single parent!! There are also many deals like BOGO memberships to museums, play places, and attractions. Offer to share, making each ½ price, or donate if you would willingly pay full price.

6. Do ask what the single parent's greatest concerns are. For example his or her greatest concern may be utilities, a vehicle that is running on prayers, gas money, childcare, housing maintenance...or it could be a million things. You may not be able to help with a drop of it. That's ok. Even the concern and thoughtfulness will be appreciated. You may end up running across a possible solution (maybe a great car in their budget) once you know what that single parent needs. Even if you can't provide a tangible fix, then you can pray for this family.

Find this article and more at Single Parent Link

Image Source: http://www.westernjournalism.com/food-stamp-cuts-actually-amount-57-percent-increase


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Spring Break, Take #1


The last month has gone by so quickly, and there has a lot of good wrapped up in it.
I had been struggling with a huge decision with a relationship and finally came to a point of peace. I walked away, realizing that it was not the best for me or my kids. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that, even after some great input from a dear friend pointing many things out. I finally saw a glimpse of things that could be if I just let go and refused to settle. So I took a huge right turn and hopefully a little closer to that narrow path that God desires us all to walk. And it shouldn't amaze me when little things like this show up:
A timely card from MOPS Int. about next year's theme.
BE BRAVE. Well, thank you, I believe I will!









I spent several days cleaning out my room and moving furniture around. I have purged enough to have emptied one side of my double closet and as soon as I am able to bring up an item from the garage it will be my new "office". It will be so nice to have a dedicated place to write, do school work & keep my All'asta business organized. Another thing I did in all of this shuffling of things was to put a bookshelf in my room. I've forever been attacked by piles of books all over that would occasionally jump out and trip me in the dark.
Solved a problem & is a wonderful visual of how much I've been able to purge! 

I spent a Saturday at the All'asta Home Office for our Spring Jaunt, a day long training. It was so nice to really have a chance to talk with other consultants since I've kind of been down here in KY all by my lonesome, which I hope won't be for very much longer! Kerry Shea, the founder spent all day with us and did part of the training, along with several other members of the Home Office, most of whom are named Jennifer. We took a little time that morning creating a "Why" board (and yes, mine has GOATS, among other things) The Home Office had created 2 large boards as well and I loved the vision of those that support us.
Me, Kerry Shea & the Bike- which has just
become an All'asta "thing"
The Home Office boards, pure love for Consultants in pictures

Beautiful background posters
My "Why" board....represents my kids, dream of a goat farm,
helping others through missions & giving, and directly with
what can be accomplished through All'asta.



The kids and I have made it to the 1/2 point of the school year and the semester, respectively. Cruising with A's right now at Mid-term, though I seem to have more work over my Spring Break than I did leading up to it. I can't say enough how much I love my classes. I guess that is very indicative of heading in the right career direction. And the friends I've made this semester have truly been a God-send. I feel like a lot has shifted in a good way. Next month I'll be inducted in the Psi Chi Honor Society, which I'm is a proud moment for me since it's a reflection of my grades & work so far despite all that goes on outside of school.