Do's & Don'ts For Interacting with Single Parents

In the three years that I've been wandering this scary single mom track, I have been incredibly fortunate and challenged in so many ways. I've had my eyes opened to an entirely different way of life, even though I was a single mom the first four years of my oldest daughter's life. These past three years have definitely been unique with ups and downs.

I spent 15 years dating and married and a lot changed in that time period, such as divorce rates and single parent household statistics. In my experience, I've seen that most people have a stereotypical view of the single parent. This view may not specifically apply to those single parents they actually know. Thanks to the social media infiltration of our lives, these negative views are tossed out there as casually as someone would change their shirt. I'd like to share some thoughts in a Do's & Don'ts format of interacting with single parents, though more so from a momma's perspective. I have not experienced all of the Don'ts personally, but I have seen the hurt inflicted on those in my motley network of single friends. Likewise I have not experienced all the Do's either, but one of my favorite sayings is, "See a need, fill a need." (quote from the animated movie "Robots." I'm sure many parents will recognize.) I will start with the Don'ts so we can end on a positive note.

DON'TS

1. Please don't ask if all the children have the same "baby daddy" or "baby momma." Do we all know what that means? I'm asking you not to assume that the single parent with two or more kids has been sleeping around from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Single parents are in that situation for a variety of reasons and even if the case involves different biological parents, it should not factor in receiving help in any way. We already feel the loss of the other parent(s) and the effect that has on our children without this rude question.

2. Please don't assume the reason my child doesn't have______________ is because the money was spent on drug of choice __________________. Single parents often have to make hard decisions of where their often limited income is spent and if their child has to go without, believe me it is probably already weighing on that single parent without the added suspicion of drug or alcohol abuse. The media has played a huge role in this stereotype by flashing stories of parents fighting a losing battle of addiction while neglecting their children. We see horror stories that go viral on the social media, but it's not the face of the majority of single parents.

3. Please don't assume we are "working" the system. This goes hand- in-hand with suspected substance abuse and multiple children in order to reap the benefits of the Welfare system. We hear stories of fraud and deception by parents (and non-parents) manipulating resources that are meant to be a "hand up, not a hand out." This is one that I've felt particularly hurt and put on the defensive by in my single parent journey. The following pictures help to explain:

And my favorite:  

Taken from http://www.whitehouse.gov/2012-taxreceipt that breaks down where the tax dollars of a typical married couple with 2 kids paying taxes on $80k a year goes to. (You can enter your tax info or income to get your breakdown)

Job and Family Security (Overall) 17.26% $771.35 

Unemployment insurance 0.99% $44.24

Food and nutrition assistance 3.89% $173.84

Housing assistance 1.74% $77.76

Earned income, Making Work Pay, and child tax credits 2.81% $125.58

Supplemental Security Income 1.74% $77.76

Federal military and civilian employee retirement and disability 4.45% $198.87

Child care, foster care, and adoption support 0.57% $25.47

Temporary Assistance for Needy Families 0.61% $27.26

The largest demographic of who benefits from the program are children and others who are not expected to work, such as the elderly and disabled. As the first picture shows, it is shameful to admit needing that help to feed our families. Most single parents wouldn't use the program, unless it was absolutely needed to free up money they earn (working!) to pay for other necessities, such as utility bills. TANF (commonly called "Welfare") takes less than $30 from the typical taxpayer, less than the cost of that family to go out to dinner and the SNAP program falls in under $200. Yet, the receivers of this assistance are targeted with a prejudice that is overwhelming in regards to the actual facts. I've been brought low by inconsiderate generalized comments online, as well as the case workers who have made me feel like a criminal trying to steal from them. To be fair, not all single parents are on assistance.

4. Please Don't judge the single parent on the actions and behavior of his or her child. Single parents are already more than aware of how our children behave and many times feel self-conscious as it is. Many things feed into a child's behavior. I will say upfront that many parents agree consistency is the key for discipline, and I'll apologize if I speak out of line here, but consistency is a very hard for a single parent to accomplish. If the child spends time split between two homes, that child is typically exposed to two sets of rules, consequences, and parental buttons to push. If the child is with one parent 24/7, then that parent is facing exhaustion, no breaks and an infinite number of times that require direction or correction. Consistency can be a death march. In either situation, single parents lack serious quality time with our children and sometimes that results in guilt- purchases, free passes "this once", or just not knowing how to handle a situation on our own. Not asking anyone to overlook something that is inappropriate, or would cause harm, but hold the judgement because parenting is a tough job even when you have a partner. This isn't even touching on the complex combinations of a child's development and personality.

5. Don't offer advice along the lines of "If I were in your place I'd ________________________" "You should really __________". or "Why can't you_______________" (my personal favorite "Why can't you….come workout at the 5am class, get that done before you start your day?!" Um, because I can't leave my kids in bed while my non-existent partner sleeps in the other room. Yes, this person was aware of details of my situation. THE hardest thing I have found about being on my own (even if there's a dating partner or best friend) is the fact that NO ONE walks this same walk, fully invested day- in-and-day-out in my little crazy family.

Which leads directly to the first "DO"S…...

DO'S

1. Do be honest if you want to help. Ask if they would like suggestions or if they just need someone to listen to them. Sometimes we do need advice from those not in the trench with us, but from a clearer perspective the outside provides, just temper that advice with kindness.

2. Do remember the single parent's birthday, special days, and holidays like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, or Father's Day. If you are close enough to the family then offer to take the kids out. Even if it's just to the dollar store to purchase a surprise for their parent, or maybe making a special craft. It is so magical for a child to pull off a surprise! And that is very hard to do when the child's only source of income & travel is the parent they want to surprise.

3. Do offer practical help. Oh, this can cover so, so much! Think outside the box, if you have a talent or business that is a common service such as auto repair (minor like oil changes, etc.), sewing, yard work, financial planning, photography, carpentry, plumbing, or electrical. Ask the single parent if there is a way for you to help. If you can be brave, step up and offer child care. We just lived through the worst winter that most can remember, my kids had 13 full snow days not counting 1 or 2 hour delays. I finally worked something out with a mom friend after the first 3-4 panic filled days of trying to find someone. But a rare evening out or a special time with only one of my children? Those are almost completely unheard of for a single parent. As a mom that works about 20 hrs a week cleaning houses, 16 hrs in school, 10-15 hrs with a small business...not counting homework x 4, some of the greatest gifts I have received (especially Finals Week) has been in the form of BBQ, pizza & casseroles. Pass the dish and share the love!!

4. Do think of single parents you know before throwing something away or donating it to large, unappreciative donation center. Especially if it's resulting from a "luxury" purchase. For example, your husband had to have that new grill, but the old one works perfectly fine. You updated the throw pillows, bedding, or curtains, but they are still in good shape. Even if they are older, "vintage" is trendy! I haven't met a single parent yet that will turn down new or gently used clothing. My personal favorite (and yes, this happened to me!) “You need to update appliances in order to sell your house.”

5. Do share good deals you find. Maybe you are a coupon saver and you get a few freebies like toothpaste, shampoo, body wash, and deodorant. Make a little basket and surprise them. For something extra special, pick up an extra soap or lotion at the good Bath & Body sales. Around Christmas, if you purchase gift cards many places will throw in bonus cards, nothing out of pocket for you and certain to be appreciated by that single parent!! There are also many deals like BOGO memberships to museums, play places, and attractions. Offer to share, making each ½ price, or donate if you would willingly pay full price.

6. Do ask what the single parent's greatest concerns are. For example his or her greatest concern may be utilities, a vehicle that is running on prayers, gas money, childcare, housing maintenance...or it could be a million things. You may not be able to help with a drop of it. That's ok. Even the concern and thoughtfulness will be appreciated. You may end up running across a possible solution (maybe a great car in their budget) once you know what that single parent needs. Even if you can't provide a tangible fix, then you can pray for this family.

Find this article and more at Single Parent Link

Image Source: http://www.westernjournalism.com/food-stamp-cuts-actually-amount-57-percent-increase

Spring Break, Take #1

The last month has gone by so quickly, and there has a lot of good wrapped up in it.
I had been struggling with a huge decision with a relationship and finally came to a point of peace. I walked away, realizing that it was not the best for me or my kids. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that, even after some great input from a dear friend pointing many things out. I finally saw a glimpse of things that could be if I just let go and refused to settle. So I took a huge right turn and hopefully a little closer to that narrow path that God desires us all to walk. And it shouldn't amaze me when little things like this show up:

A timely card from MOPS Int. about next year's theme.
BE BRAVE. Well, thank you, I believe I will!

I spent several days cleaning out my room and moving furniture around. I have purged enough to have emptied one side of my double closet and as soon as I am able to bring up an item from the garage it will be my new "office". It will be so nice to have a dedicated place to write, do school work & keep my All'asta business organized. Another thing I did in all of this shuffling of things was to put a bookshelf in my room. I've forever been attacked by piles of books all over that would occasionally jump out and trip me in the dark.

Solved a problem & is a wonderful visual of how much I've been able to purge! 

I spent a Saturday at the All'asta Home Office for our Spring Jaunt, a day long training. It was so nice to really have a chance to talk with other consultants since I've kind of been down here in KY all by my lonesome, which I hope won't be for very much longer! Kerry Shea, the founder spent all day with us and did part of the training, along with several other members of the Home Office, most of whom are named Jennifer. We took a little time that morning creating a "Why" board (and yes, mine has GOATS, among other things) The Home Office had created 2 large boards as well and I loved the vision of those that support us.

Me, Kerry Shea & the Bike- which has just
become an All'asta "thing"

The Home Office boards, pure love for Consultants in pictures

Beautiful background posters

My "Why" board....represents my kids, dream of a goat farm,
helping others through missions & giving, and directly with
what can be accomplished through All'asta.

The kids and I have made it to the 1/2 point of the school year and the semester, respectively. Cruising with A's right now at Mid-term, though I seem to have more work over my Spring Break than I did leading up to it. I can't say enough how much I love my classes. I guess that is very indicative of heading in the right career direction. And the friends I've made this semester have truly been a God-send. I feel like a lot has shifted in a good way. Next month I'll be inducted in the Psi Chi Honor Society, which I'm is a proud moment for me since it's a reflection of my grades & work so far despite all that goes on outside of school.

        

Strange 3 weeks, but not the strangest

The weather continues to twist every plan I've made in the last couple weeks. We had snow day #12 on Friday, although the snow didn't start until flurries showed up around 3pm. I know parents all over the county are on the verge of being on the local news for something horrendous, but perfectly understandable to anyone with more than 2 children that have lived through this winter.
To top the school cancellation madness, 2 of my 3 have had on & off again stomach aches, (with & without vomiting) missing odd days, several Dr. trips on alternating days. Sigh....

Found this week on a pit stop after one of aforementioned Dr. visits with Trinity.  It reminded me of a Mentor Mom from our MOPS group, who would always say, "In our family we have a saying, 'It is what it is'. " And the advice behind it? Let go, and let God.

So far I am still on track (give or take a few days) with my Bible reading, the solidarity of the group has been a great focal point to guide us and see different thoughts on the verses we've read.  The bulk of the last week's reading has been in Mark. I was really struck by two thoughts so far. The first being a general notice of all the miracles, parables and travels that the disciples shared in the presence of Jesus and their general cluelessness of what was right in front of them. To the point that on occasion Jesus seems exasperated by their human perspective. Like when he walks on the water out to their boat and they freak out- even though he's already calmed a storm, performed great healings and fed 5000 out of 1 person's lunch. I think Jesus invented the forehead smack.
But would I have been any different? That's where it really leads my thoughts. Would I really have thought, Immanuel, God is with us? Would I have denied my Lord, like Peter? Betrayed him like Judas? Or anointed him when I had the chance, boldly and without care for what others thought like Mary of Bethany (actually named in John 12:2-3) Or still remain doubtful like Thomas, even after seeing. Would I still have the faith of things unseen if He was staring me in the face? I truly hope so. And it's comforting to know that we can take care of the "least of these" in his name.
The other stems from this thought that Jesus actually articulated in Mark 10:13-15, addressing the disciples concern of children being brought to him.

                  13 Some people were bringing little children to Him so He might touch them, 
but His disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw it, 
He was indignant and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me. 
Don’t stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 
15 I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God
 like a little child will never enter it.” 16 After taking them in His arms, 
He laid His hands on them and blessed them. (HCSB)

Is my faith the simple faith of a child? Do I still think of God with awe & wonder? And am I doing anything to my children to hinder their relationship with him? 

My sweet Trinity reading Habakkuk after covering a verse in Sunday School.
 (Her brothers would never do this.)
 But really, what 8 year old has the instinct to form context?

Lots of weighty thoughts with this reading, my friends. Ones that must be constantly turned over and reviewed and renewed. 

On less weighty issues... I attempted to take the kids to see the Lego movie last weekend with our AMC gift cards, but although we arrived early, they were sold out. I was not waiting 2 hours for the next showing so I gave the kids the option of seeing something else. They chose The Nut Job. Kids enjoyed it, I thought it was ok, certainly not at the top of my favorites. 

I am also one giant step closer to getting my kitchen changed out. A couple at church are in the midst of a remodel themselves & luckily their old counter tops are the exact set up I need with a trim here and there.  I am still looking for someone to help with cabinet installation since I feel that is one thing above the scope of my knowledge. Flooring still needs to be found, which is completely hinging on me filing my taxes (as is hiring installer if need be). But I am hoping God isn't finished with these details since everything else has come together so far. 

School is going smoothly, we've had our share of cancellations as well so we are not as far along as we should be. I had my first Criminal Justice test Thursday (46/50, which I thought was good since I didn't get to review the day of) and Criminal Behavior test coming on Tuesday, Counseling Psych test on Thursday. 

I've made exactly zero progress on: purging, movies, or anything else...think I have a valid excuse for my camping goal? I'm ready for summer! 

But....I've had an incredible 2 weeks with my All'asta business, All'asta by Eryn and I've been offered the opportunity to be a contributor to a single mom resource site!!!! So in addition to my rambling, first person, boring life I'll be writing some (hopefully) more insightful and worthy posts.  As a family we are looking at a major change very soon...more on that when it becomes definite. 

Recovery & Catch Up

Well it turns out I didn't have the flu, but bronchitis. It was awful. Luckily, I only get sick like that about once every two years. I'm going to become a hermit in 2016 in preparation. I finally made it to a doctor and was put on 4 prescriptions. I'm finally feeling better and not in danger of losing a lung every time I cough now.

I've managed to stay current with my Bible reading. I'm still not good at reading "every day" but get into the chapter and read ahead so I'm doing each week in 2-3 chunks. I hate the feeling that to be a "good" Christian I've always felt the pressure to ascribe to doing things a certain way (reading daily) and since I've only been a Christian with small children I feel like I really need to let go of it. God isn't grading me on my reading assignments. I do spend a significant time each day in prayer and some days with an open Bible.

I'm currently behind on my savings goal, which between Christmas break, snow days & messed up cleaning appointments I've been very lucky to keep bills current. Which brings me to the point of why I've never had a savings before and it's so important to me. I'm looking to catch up January in a chunk with my school money, setting aside what I would have weekly. It just makes me look back and see God's provision as always being enough- never more, never less, sometimes down to the wire, but never less.

The kids and I used our gift card money to go see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 yesterday since they were off school for MLK day. We all enjoyed it and the kids declared it was one we needed to own. I've promised the boys & Alex that we'll go see the Lego Movie on 2/7 when it comes out and they are really looking forward to it.

I've got a bag sitting in my bedroom of closet rejects that I need to get out of the house with maybe 30 things in it so far. I also threw away somethings from the kids room when I was feeling better and realized the extent of the damage left by 3 partially supervised kids while I was near death with the bronchitis.

I'm really enjoying the cross-over with my classes so far this semester. Having Criminal Behavior (psych class) and Criminal Justice 101 is a good combination.

The Flu...

I am so lucky in the fact that I typically only get really laid low about every other year. But when I do it's bad. So so bad.
This all started Sunday night with a fever and it has morphed and multiplied. My main concern now I think I have an ear infection in my right ear. As usual, I don't think I'll be making it to the doctor (don't have one yet) and no insurance (yet). So I've barely been out of bed since Sunday, except yesterday when I thought I was recovered, only to be thrown under the bus by my own optimism by bedtime.

All that being said, I haven't read or done anything productive this week. I really need to start with laundry and feeding the kids. Luckily, none of them have been hit with this. Trinnie is currently unloading the dishwasher for the first time. Because it's that desperate up in here...almost as bad as Tuesday right before the kids went back to school on Wednesday when Jon came in and told me, "Mom, it's like the Hunger Games up in here, Jonah is trying to kill me." Thankfully that crisis has been adverted and the flu is on it's way out too...I hope.

One great thing that happened, which was totally out of my hands was the smaller group listings for the Bible read through group was published and the women in Group 10 and I were able to connect over the past few days. They are an amazing bunch and I'm glad to be teamed up with them.

Shirley, Denise....2 Canadian women. Denise is a single mom. Betsy in Florida and LeAnn from Alabama who has been nice enough to share a little red dirt love with me. And Melissa from North Carolina.

I was very fortunate to catch up with a friend over the phone this afternoon in between naps. She always seems to give me such a different perspective or a smack. Always what I need in either case.

I'm just hoping and praying I can make it to my cleaning job tomorrow. I desperately need to.

Few Days In

    I am absolutely loving the online group of women as we read through the Bible together. I've read ahead some and I'm up to Chapter 21 of Genesis. I'm afraid once school starts I'll slip behind so reading ahead, then taking time to review when I'm buried in school work might be helpful in the coming weeks.
    One thing in reading this week that caught my attention, was the detailed account of Noah's descendants, their languages, the nations & land that they covered. (ch. 10) And in Chapter 11 there is the account of the Tower of Babel where the nations were dispersed and languages separated. This had me seriously thinking about the order that this was written. I had to ask (the group & my pastor) and got very helpful responses.
For one the details in the history & genealogies in Chapter 10 help clarify history versus myth. And having them listed prior to the Tower of Babel is similar to "listing the presidents, then going back and talking about Kennedy" (thanks to Tricia), filling in the details after the overview.
Our online group also discussed the ages of those listed in the readings and Tricia also posted this helpful link that I found to be a neat visual. Patriarchs in Genesis, also gives an "overlap" of when everyone lived.

I haven't read much other than this the last couple days, have been trying to maintain a somewhat "clean" house with the kids still home. Almost ridiculous. The only productive thing I managed was washing all the antique Mason jars so I can start organizing the kitchen & bathrooms.  Looking forward to ordering next semester's books tomorrow and praying that the kids' school is on with the below 0 temps & questionable snow totals we're expecting. Tomorrow's book advance will also get some basic bills paid & my savings started.
                      We've had a good break of sleeping in, playing, and generally doing nothing.

Jon as Norwhal

For one of T-roo's teachers

Jojo prefers alternate play

Rainbow looms...constantly

Jon sleeping until 1pm. Schedule re-adjustment in our near future

Sitting on a block of ice after seeing Frozen at Newport on the Levee

T-roo with the guinea pigs that her & Jojo got on Christmas Eve.
Sophie & Butterscotch joined the family. 

Off to a good start

Today I started off my Bible reading and read all the way to Genesis 12. I also read through the first sections of the study guide as well as the coordinating chapter for the first week's reading.

I started A Quest for More which I found to coincide with today's reading in Genesis. 

I'm DVR'ing Steel Magnolias as I write this, it will be my first 2014 "I've lived under a rock" movie.

My calendar is also ready for the new year now that each week has been labeled and amount to be saved clearly marked. If I can get through the first month that will be great.