Single Parenting Shifts: Homeschooling & Public School

     In the midst of everything else that went on at the beginning of our "new life" we had to put a lot of consideration into what school would look like for our family.
     For seven years we had been homeschoolers. We started when my oldest, Leah, was finished with 4th grade at public school. Leah was gifted, and well above many in her class. We had argued for her to skip a grade from first to second, but was turned down. Her fourth grade teacher agreed with us that it would be in her best interest, but then we were left with the dilemma of moving her from fourth to sixth, which meant middle school in our district. Leah was definitely ready intellectually, but we decided that due to maturity (and safety) to look at other options. Our home school was created.
     Our oldest son, Jon, was born the same year, followed two years later by Trinity, and two years later by Jonah. My "little ones", although they aren't so little anymore, were completely oblivious to public school.
    We lived the home school life...natural waking times, co-ops, volunteer work, play dates with other families, 4-H, music lessons, home school gym, Boy Scouts, American Heritage Girls. We visited family when we wanted, we read at the park and yes, we had the infamous "field trip to the grocery store". The kids and I managed to learn, have fun, and have a great bond. It was messy, crazy, busy, social, always backed up on work, spontaneous, loving, frustrating and I wouldn't trade one second for anything...good or bad.

It was us. It was our life. 

Leah's last family field trip, Salt Festival
 Big Bone State Park Oct. 2011

I think that is the hardest part for those outside of home schooling looking in to see. It's not just how you do school. It's not public school at home. Yes, I know there are options to do public school at home, but often the parents who choose to home school are looking for an alternative way to school their kids in a way that is structured to their values, their children's learning style and/or ability or for a variety of other, often deeply personal reasons. Sometimes those reasons change as we go through the experience of homeschooling, but there is something that settles at the core of the family.

 It was tied to everything in everyday.  It was our life.

     So what happens to that life when there is a huge shift in another part of the core? Well, it's as simple as homeschooling continues or the kids enter public school. And that's where the simplicity ends. Actually, I think Simple took a running leap off a tall cliff into a deep, dark ravine, but I'm sure you know what I mean. First, the decision to home school in the first place is rarely a "simple" choice, although it is a choice that is increasingly on the rise in the U.S. There are outside of school factors that are considered such as: 

                Income of parents, will one stay home with the kids, or both work part-time? 
                Type of curriculum to be used, cost, time, outside review, testing. 
                Extra-curricular activities (why anyone thinks home schoolers are unsocialized is       beyond me, please don't hate) and so much more. 

And it is no different for the single parent.

There are many decisions to make, but it is doable. I've done it. Many people helped me pull it off, but Leah graduated from our home school. We completed a very difficult 2010-2011 school year and a slightly smoother 2011-12 school year. For us this decision had many factors. Primarily, Leah was a sophomore the year everything changed for us. I looked into enrolling her in public school for junior year. It was not feasible. She had more than enough credits to graduate, in accredited classes, but they weren't anything that resembled our school system. Leah would have been a round peg in a square hole. It was best for her to finish high school as we started. She interned at our church and doubled up on English to complete her requirements in one last year. 

    And then there were the "little ones". Jonah had begun preschool in January 2011 when I started to work full-time. He went to school with Ms. Ann on site where I cleaned. The other two went with their Ms. Ann, another homeschooling mom who worked with my kids as a reading tutor and took them along with her daughter to their co-op. We did additional work once we all got home.

Even though this looked very different from the outside it had a measure of familiarity to us that I may not be able to express clearly, it was still us, still our life with a twist. 

Leah was old enough to understand the changes and the reasons behind them. The little ones were not. They were 3, 5, and 7 at the time. I had to consider all they had been through. 

¨People use the word "stress" to describe a wide variety of situations - from your cell phone ringing while you're talking on another phone - to the feelings associated with intense work overload, or the death of a loved-one.

But perhaps the most useful and widely accepted definition of stress (mainly attributed to Richard S. Lazarus) is this: Stress is a condition or feeling experienced when a person perceives that "demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize." In less formal terms, we feel stressed when we feel that "things are out of control"."  The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale            

I'll mention a few other issues without detail: My parents lived with us, my mother suffered 11 strokes in 12 months. My husband was arrested 12/29/10. My mom's biggest stroke was 5/17/11, she passed away 12/30/11. I started working full time. We lost our home, resulting in a move. My father moved in with his brother so he was no longer in the same home. Relationships with my in-laws were unusual at best, strained on good days.  So if I was looking back to evaluate my health and the health of my children at the time it would look something like this chart. Notice that school options are selected. 

440! Here's what that means: 

     I love psychology, but I didn't need a scale or empirical research to tell me what I felt was best for me or the kids. Something had to give, or in our case, remain constant. 

We had to have a sense of control over the one thing in our lives that could still be controlled.  

     Upon Leah's graduation, one and half years had passed, my mom had passed. We were starting to get an idea of what this new life was going to look like. I finally felt like I was standing and not just crawling from day to day. I felt capable of making decision for more than a week out. One thing that had become clear is that my income needed to be at a level to support this new family and my current line of work wasn't for the long-term. I decided to return to school. Which led me to options for the kids. I knew that attending school full time, work full time & home schooling was not something I wanted to tackle and have everything suffer. 

     So we talked, I tested the waters and then enrolled the little ones in the elementary school as a Kindergartner, a second grader and a fourth grader. 

And this was us. This is our life.

     This was the first morning of the first day. They had no clue what was really coming! There's been happiness, success, set-backs (literally, Trinnie tested 2 weeks later and was transitioned to first grade), fear of the unknown, tears at night, begging to home school again, sleep overs with new friends, field trips- with and without mom, class pictures, amazing, amazing teachers & staff.
      There has been tons of paperwork, doctor appointments, book orders, lunch money, school dues, picture money, penny wars, field trip fees, homework, reading and just SO much to get used to! The bus comes at 8am!!! Every. Day. (If you are or have been a home schooler reading that, enough said!) 
     But they are thriving. I sincerely believe it's because it was in it's own time, not forced, not rushed, not just because I became a single parent.

 It is because we did what was right for us.

So for those of you who may run across this who know someone in a single parent/homeschooling situation, please take to heart that they are doing the best they know how, for them, their kids and everything they are dealing with, some of which may not be clearly apparent from the outside.

This was just my timeline, my outcome, which hinged on: 1. My daughter graduating, 2. Me returning to college.

 I realize this single parent/homeschooling combination isn't the largest segment of the single parenting OR homeschooling communities, but it isn't as uncommon as you may think. 

For those of you who read this and happen to be in this difficult conjunction of seemingly contrasting lives, have hope. It can be done, and if it's what is best for your kids I'm sure you will find a way to do it. 

Stress checklist available at http://www.mindtools.com/